|
|
In conjunction with The Rebel Alliance Network's selfless efforts to educate you with content that does not suck, here is an archive of our reviews of beers that do not suck. While we may not like all of them, they are the direct results of our relentless strive to combat mediocrity in all forms, be it webpages, girls, music, or alcohol. You will not see any mass-produced domestic beer reviewed here because those beers do not taste good and therefore we do not drink them. No, dear reader, the prevailing undertone of logic on The Rebel Alliance Network is not imagined. We truly do make that much sense. Read on, purchase, drink, and revel in the beauty of carbonated bliss.
|
 | Yard's Old Ale
Country Of Origin: USA
Brewery: Yard's
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Type Of Beer: Old English Ale
Alcohol Content: 7.5% by volume
Volume: 355 ml per bottle
Link: Yard's Old Ale
Despite the awful page layout, this beer is now one of the top 5 I've ever tasted. Much to my surprise, it's practically brewed in my backyard. In the style of true old English ales, this beer is not a barleywine and does not taste like a brick of awful. It is, however, thick and sweet and very, very strong. Three bottles and I'm floored. |
This is in order of the first three things I noticed;
1) Nearly no carbonation but not at all syrupy
2) It tastes really, really good
3) There's virtually no aftertaste at all, which is rare in thick beers
A case ran me $27.00. Not bad at all. I'm unfamiliar with how widely distributed this beer is in the USA, but it is a sparkling testament that microbreweries are still alive and kicking. This should come as no surprise, as Philadelphia, PA is the heartland of microbreweries in the country. I cannot do this beer enough justice, as it's truly downright delicious.
For those looking for a good, thick ale that doesn't make you feel like a big fat fuck, Yard's Old Ale - it is an anytime drink and is best tasted while drinking beer.
|
 | Sam Adam's Triple Bock
Country Of Origin: United States
Brewery: Sam Adam's
Location: Boston, MA
Type Of Beer: Barleywine
Alcohol Content: 17.5% by volume
Link: Sam Adam's Triple Bock
Until very recently, and despite actually being a barleywine, the elusive Sam Adam's Triple Bock was known as being the most alcoholic beer available (at least in North America). This, coupled with the fact that it is reportedly banned in 11 states, has made the Triple Bock somewhat of a legend. Nobody's actually ever tried any, but a friend of a friend knows someone that had some at a bachelor party.. you know, that sort of thing.
So, naturally, when Styx and I saw a lone bottle in an inconspicuous little corner store on the way home from a show, I had to have it. Without any hesitation, I plunked down the $7.50 (yes, one bottle will cost you somewhere around $7.50) and wondered what to do with the strange little cobalt blue bottle I now held in my grubby little hands. Do I save it for a special occasion? Do I wait a few years and sell it for profit? Or, do I stop being gay and just fucking drink it? If you can't tell already, last night I opted for the latter. |
 The first thing I noticed about Sam Adams Triple Bock is that it smells like death.. a horrible, malty death. The second thing I noticed is that this sludgy, pitch black concoction is about as thick as a '72 Ford pickup, though I'm sure, in retrospect, that the pickup would have made for a far more pleasurable drinking experience. Almost immediately after my first sip, I noticed that my insides caught on fire. This is possibly due to the 17.5abv or the fact that it's brewed in the fourth circle of Hell. After eventually putting out the small fire in the pit of my stomach, regaining my will to live and cleaning the vomit from my carpet, I corked the bottle back up and threw it back into my fridge where I can only hope it'll spend all eternity. The back of the bottle notes that Sam Adams Triple Bock is brewed with maple syrup. Due to the artistic qualities of the packaging, I'm guessing that they didn't have the room to tell you the other things it's brewed with, such as tartar sauce, hate, Jimmy Hoffa, gasoline, horse shit, soy sauce, cinder blocks, cat shit, prune juice, someone's dirty asshole and awful.  Trying to cleanse my palate with the help of some 409 Glass and Surface cleaner. In closing, Sam Adam's Triple Bock is a very different beer, and by "different" what I really mean is "fucking terrible". So, if you like the taste of rancid, fish-flavored cough syrup, then by all means pick yourself up a bottle of Sam Adam's Triple Bock. Otherwise, do yourself a favor and take your $7.50 and get yourself a six pack of something decent.
It sure is a pretty bottle, though.
|
 | Hobgoblin English Ale
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: Wychwood Brewery
Location: Witney, Oxon, England
Type Of Beer: English Ale
Alcohol Content: 5.5% by volume
Volume: 500 ml per bottle
Link: Wychwood
Styx: There's very little I have to say about Hobgoblin English Ale. It's pretty much the most average, yet odd, ale I've ever tried. The taste almost hints at honey at times, although I'm certain it is not an added ingredient. Other than that, it's just your traditional English ale. It kind of tasted like I should have been drinking it during the winter over a game of D&D by the hearth, assuming I was 14 years old again. The urge comes directly from the fantasy-inspired label, complete with a mischievous-looking creature that I can only assume is a hobgoblin, lurking around with a large axe in front of a backdropped medieval castle.
Appealing if only for the mood. Nothing terribly special, though. It's another bottle-keeper, because it's so pretty. It stands proudly on my shelf with the rest. |
 | J.W. Lee's Harvest Ale (1991)
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: J.W. Lee's
Location: Manchester, England
Type Of Beer: English Strong Ale
Alcohol Content: 11.5% by volume
Volume: 275ml per bottle
Link: JW Lee's
Reverend: This shit tastes like maple flavored cough syrup. |
|
 | Shepherd Neame Original Porter
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: Shepherd Neame
Location: Faversham, Kent, England
Type Of Beer: English Ale
Alcohol Content: 4.8% by volume
Volume: 355ml per bottle
Link: Shepherd Neame
Styx: Porters are one of the rarest kinds of beers brewed anymore, although I'm not entirely sure why. Porter is basically a less-thick version of a stout. The style originated in England in the early 18th century and was meant to combine three different types of beer into one (ale, beer(?), and "twopenny," which was just strong ale that cost two pennies). The porters of the London street market were the main consumers of this type of beer, hence the name "porter."
Enough with the history lesson. Porters are generally dark with strong underflavor, usually hinting at chocolate or licorice. Such was Shepherd Neame Original Porter, and as far as porters go, it was yummy. This beer is only available from December until February and is brewed at the oldest brewery in England. While porters certainly aren't my choice of beer style, they serve themselves well if you're in the mood for them. I think they're just too middle-ground for me. Recommended for those of you who are curious. |
 | Traquair Jacobite Flavored Ale
Country Of Origin: Scotland
Brewery: Traquair House
Location: Innerleithen, Scotland
Type Of Beer: Scottish Strong Ale
Alcohol Content: 8% by volume
Volume: 330ml per bottle
Link: Traquair
Reverend: This beer is awesome. Very thick, smooth, sweet and pleasantly malty. Man, I sound like an asshole when I say shit like that. Anyway, according to the rather bland label, this beer is flavored with "coriander". Now, I don't know what coriander is, but I think I like it. I guess it's some sort of fruit.. thing.. or something. Whatever it is, I'm assuming it's what makes this beer taste fruity (and that's a good "fruity", by the way).
Sort of a bland bottle, which is depressing, but HELLO 8% ABV. Now that's more like it.
Incredibly easy to drink, which is probably the first thing I look for in a beer. I wonder if they still make these? Mine was brewed in 1995. Oh well, I'm not inspired enough to check it out, so I'll just eat some cheddar Goldfish instead.
Definitely recommended, that is if you can find any. |
|
 | Fullers Extra Special Bitter (aka Fullers ESB)
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: Fuller's Griffin Brewery
Location: London, England
Type Of Beer: English Strong Ale
Alcohol Content: 5.9% by volume
Volume: 500ml per bottle
Link: Fullers Extra Special Bitter
Fullers ESB absolutely deserves winning more CAMRA (CAMpaign for Real Ale) awards at the Great British Beer Festival than any other beer in history, which it has. I really dislike it when beer critics say "full-bodied smoothness" to describe the drink they're reviewing because it never really means anything and just servers to make the writer seem like (s)he's trying to sound smart and failing miserably, but this beer personifies the phrase. It's full-bodied, smooth, malty, and delicious. Fullers ESB is easily in my top ten favorite beers of all time and I strongly recommend it to anybody, no matter what style of beer you prefer.
It is also absolutely amazing on tap. The only bar I've found it in so far is the Khyber Pass on 2nd Street in Philadelphia. Infact, my first two pints of it off tap was just two nights ago, which leaves it fresh in my memory. Nearly no carbonation whatsoever, which I'm a big supporter of. I cannot gush over it enough. Just try it. |
|
 | Traquair House Ale
Country Of Origin: Scotland
Brewery: Traquair Castle
Location: Innerleithen, Peeblesshire, Scotland
Type Of Beer: Scottish Strong Ale
Alcohol Content: 7.2% by volume
Volume: 330ml per bottle
Link: Traquair
Styx: The reason why I bought this beer is because the label is very plain and it says "A handmade ale brewed in the ancient brew house of the oldest inhabited house in Scotland" on it. This caught my attention immediately because I am inexplicably fascinated with beers that use old recipes. Being that this beer is from Scotland, I should have known better. Their beer is just no good.
The first impression I had was that the beer smelled nice. Hints of syrup spiraled around a centralized malt aroma, and I eagerly took a sip. It tasted exactly how it didn't smell. Maybe I'm just not inclined to like strong ales or barleywines, I'm not sure. I don't like Samichlaus, I don't like Samuel Adams Triple Bock, and I only like Skullsplitter because the viking on the label would chop me up into pieces if I said otherwise. Traquair House Ale is along the same lines as the above - thick, powerful, and headache-inducing. The aftertaste is also very powerful. I brushed my teeth afterwards and could still feel it in my mouth.
I would only recommend this if you want to get beat up by a beer. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about beers that can kick your ass, but this kind of punishment outweighs the potential enjoyment. With the exception of Ebulum Elderberry Black Ale, I'm not drinking anything else from Scotland. |
 | J.W. Lee's Moonraker Old Ale
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: J.W. Lee's
Location: Manchester, England
Type Of Beer: English Strong Ale
Alcohol Content: 7.5% by volume
Volume: 275ml per bottle
Link: J.W. Lee's
Reverend: Wow. What a pretty label. Too bad there's a bunch of nonsensical hippy shit written on the back. And I quote:
"It's theer mon: rake it eawt' the farm workers cried as they vainly attempted to rake the moon's reflection from the stream on Jumbo Farm.
Middletonians have long been called Moonrakers and have enjoyed J.W. Lee's Moonraker Ale for many years."
Moonraker Ale is a Champion Winter Ale of Britain and it's rather obvious why: Lame fantasy attempts aside, it's a damn fine beer. While not as smooth and easy to drink as the other beers, it's still pretty smooth. The taste is slightly woody, which I don't mind at all. The aftertaste lingers, which is not a bad thing at all when the beer is actually good. All in all, one of the better ales I've ever had and definitely the best "Strong Ale" I've ever had. Recommended. |
|
 | Ebulum Elderberry Black Ale
Country Of Origin: Scotland
Brewery: Heather Ale Company
Location: Strathhaven, Glasgow, Scotland
Type Of Beer: Scottish Ale
Alcohol Content: 6.5% by volume
Volume: 330ml
Link: Heather Ale
Styx: Oh, those wacky Scottish ales. This one is an old 9th century Druid recipe, brewed for the Celtic autumn festival by the village elders. This is about as fantasy-like as you can get with beers. I nearly expected to sprout enchanted fairy wings following my first sip - instead, I was pleasantly surprised by the well-balanced fruitiness of it. Another beer with nearly no carbonation, Ebulum is nearly black in color and tastes really different from anything I could explain.
While elderberries are hailed as one of the most effective natural healing agents available for several different ailments, I didn't really feel healed after downing the (very pretty) bottle, although I did have the healthiest buzz ever.
Highly recommended to any beer drinker, it manages to harvest a unique and interesting flavor that isn't offensive to the taste buds. Thumbs up, up, and up. Definitely wouldn't buy a case, though. $64.00. Damn. I'll stick to the occasional bottle-pickup. |
Reverend: Ebulum Elderberry Black Ale is a whimsical, magical beer, brewed by roaming packs of forest gnomes from the insides of hollowed-out trees. Once out of the gnomes care and covered with faerie dust, Ebulum is brought to our shores by the same bottling company responsible for the appropriately named Skull Splitter Ale. Talk about variety: One beer wants to scalp you and the other wants to light some candles and read Tek Wars.
This beer was most definitely a very pleasant surprise, especially after the Thomas Hardy's Ale debacle the night before. Honestly, I was expecting something as fruity as the name implies, but the taste was much more subtle than that without being too yielding.
Man, does that make me sound like a fag or what?
Anyway, if cases of this shit weren't $64, I wouldn't think twice about stocking my refrigerator with it. Maybe it's discounted at the Renaissance Faire?
|
 | Thomas Hardy's Ale (1997 stock)
Country Of Origin: England
Brewery: Eldridge Pope & Co. Ltd.
Location: Dorchester, Dorset, England
Type Of Beer: English Old Ale
Alcohol Content: 12% by volume
Volume: 330ml per bottle
Link: Eldridge Pope & Co. Ltd.
Styx: This beer is so snobby that the bottles are dated by the year it was brewed and has the unique ability to age like a fine wine. This is one of the few remaining examples of an "old ale," basically meaning that it's brewed using a very old recipe and it's really, really, really strong. This also classifies it as a "strong ale" or a "barleywine," depending on what you prefer.
Upon first sip, I realized that A) there was no carbonation, B) the texture resembled motor oil, and C) it tasted really good. I hate licorice, but the faint hints of it in the aftertaste didn't bother me. It was slightly sweet and left a coating in your mouth. No matter what you drink afterwards, the taste of Thomas Hardy's lingers. Also, after one bottle I was, for all intents and purposes, Very Buzzed. While I am strongly against drinking beer as a means of getting drunk (since liquor does it better, faster, and cheaper), if it happens it really rules. It happened.
This beer is not recommended for the casual beer drinker. However, if you've got the urge to try something completely different from what you're used to, go for it. I'd definitely buy this again. |
Reverend: Whoah. Ok, this one is pretty strong. Scratch that - this one is really strong. Like, punch-in-the-face strong. I can only guess that's what the label means by "brisk as a volcano" since I've never actually drank a volcano.
The textures and the tastes of this beer are so odd that it took me about half a bottle to realize I don't like it at all. It's pretty fruity, which I'm not exactly a big fan of. It is pretty smooth, though, which is nice but I still feel like I drank a brick. Maybe the bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos and the shots of cranberry Finlandia I had earlier fucked me up but honestly I don't think I'd like this beer under any circumstances.
I think I'm going to be sick.
|
Here is an original haiku about SkullSplitter Ale (pictured below).
 Holy shit that's good That viking wants to kill me Good thing I'm plastered
|
|
|