| 11/02/01 | Reverend | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Sadly, and despite my best efforts, this site's most popular feature has turned out to be the Buddy Icons. What started out as harmless, stupid fun for my visitors sort of mutated into a site of it's own. There are an alarming number of people out there who come for the buddy icons (24,000+ this week alone) and are completely oblivious as to what else that goes on around here. They have no idea who I am or what this site is all about. Those people piss me off. Those people piss me off even more when they hotlink my buddy icons for use on whatever crappy web boards they suck up and rape me of my bandwidth. So, I decided to something about it. Utilizing the wonderful .htaccess file in Unix, I redirected all buddy icon hotlinks to this graphic:  Simple. Effective. Gay. I waited a day or so and then decided to check up on some of the culprits, to see if anyone had noticed the, uh, changes. First up was the "Thrice" EZBoard:  It looked like business as usual. Nobody really seemed to notice the cocks. I came back a day later day and it looked like they were finally starting to catch on:
And then came another thread about the cocks:
Then I switched it up a little bit and I changed the hotlink graphic to this:  That says "Fuck my virgin man-ass".
Unfortunately, there haven't been any more posts since October 30th, so I guess I sort of ruined all of their fun. Oh well. I'll take that as a sign that they learned their lesson. Either that or they're too retarded to figure out what's going on. I'll be back in a few days with all of that other bullshit I promised. I swear it. |
| 11/06/01 | Reverend | |
Brazenly assuming that you are so incredibly desperate, so unbelievably hard up for entertainment that you've been on the edge of your seat, wondering where the hell the latest edition of Ask a Teenage, Female Webmaster is, then I have got an e-mail that I think you should see:
There's your answer, Fishbulb. Much like our good friend Nay, the Teenage, Female Webmaster has decided that it's time to take a little vacation. Now, while this may bode well for the collective intelligence of my readers, it leaves this site with a pretty sizable void. Or at least it did. For those of you that don't know, the office that I work at is located inside of a nursing home. Sure, it can get a little frightening at times, but it affords me a number of opportunities that many people may take for granted. Opportunities such as listening to senior citizens prattle on about nothing in particular. You see, everybody knows that the older you are, the smarter you are. Or at least that's what old people would lead you to believe. So, I had the Teenage, Female Webmaster forward me five of her questions and I took them to five of the more lonely residents at the home. You can check out their answers here. |
| 11/09/01 | Reverend |
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I think that I may have finally figured out why nobody ever bothers to e-mail me or instant message me anymore. It was only a couple of days ago when I had my, er, epiphany. An abnormal number of people were messaging me, telling me that they loved the site, etc. I think someone had posted my URL in Nay's fan club or some other bullshit. Whatever. Anyway, as I continued to talk to these people, I noticed a very disturbing trend: After some small talk, I would start hounding them. I wanted to know how they got here, what they like, what they don't like, etc. And while such activities have probably scared more than a few people into filing restraining orders against me, it has taught me two very important things: People like it when I'm mean. People want to know what the hell the Top 5 and Bottom 5 are all about. So what better way to shamelessly pander to my core audience than to explain to you my choices for the Top 5 and Bottom 5, all while being exceptionally and unapologetically mean? Trick question, douche bags; there is no better way. Oh. You'll have to come back tomorrow for the second, more brutal half, though. That way, it makes me look more productive. Suckers. The Rebel Alliance Top 5 (websites, you jackass): 5) Have Some Boners Today I know that everyone hates personal stories, so I'll keep this one brief: About three years ago or so I moved in with a friend of mine from high school. And with these new living arraignments came a small group of guys that were around more often than not, sort of assuming the role of a revolving third roommate. One of these guys was "Skulky" Jason, who went to school at La Salle University with my roommate. It also just so happened that he lived about two blocks away from us with his family, which meant he was over quite a bit. "Skulky" Jason was, without any shadow of a doubt, the funniest human being I had ever met. There were nights when we'd all just sit around, drinking, listening to Skulky talk and pissing out pants laughing. His sense of humor was unbelievably bizarre, yet completely and totally legit, unlike that one guy we all knew in high school that was always trying so goddamned hard to be weird. "Have Some Boners Today" is "Skulky" Jason's second attempt at a website. His first, which was actually far more hilarious, was hosted by La Salle University and vanished when he graduated. This one will have to do, I suppose. 4) Chris the Parade Kid The official Chris the Parade Kid website chronicles the small town adventures of, well, Chris the Parade Kid. Chris' claim to "fame" is dressing up in ridiculous outfits (often incorporating innertubes) and marching in parades. That's, uh, really all there is to it. As much as I'd love to believe that this is all on the up and up, Chris' links page is highly suspect. Oh well, there's always All-Star Gus Ball (or at least I think there is), but more on that later. 3) Robotskull Samn got pissed at me for never telling this story, so I figure I can do it now and redeem myself: A little while back, as part of his roadtrip, Samn paid me a visit. That same night, my friend Abbie was home from school on break and also decided to stop by. The three of us went to the local bar for 25 cent wing night and swapped stupid stories. Actually, the night was sort of dominated by one story in particular and while I don't really think I'm at liberty to discuss it, I will say that ABBIE DATED A GUY WHO LIKED TO WEAR DIAPERS. Samn and I obviously thought this was the Greatest Thing in the World because we spent the night alternately asking Abbie questions about the guy and laughing hysterically. Later that night, Abbie took a picture of her tits while Samn and I were forced to hide out in my bedroom. You know, that sounds kind of gay, but it really wasn't. The sex, though.. that was pretty gay. There isn't too much more to the story. Abbie went home and Samn fell asleep on my couch. The next morning I went off to work and pointed Samn towards my smelly, racist old barber. I think he was going to go hang out with some camgirls or some shit and didn't want to look like a complete slob. If you've ever met Samn, you know that this is futile. So, back to the subject at hand here. Truth be told, Robotskull is probably the only site on the Internet I am jealous of. Samn is one funny motherfucker and a swell writer to boot. He's also the only guy I know that manages to update less frequently than I do, so that's a plus. 2) Fark Whenever some lame ass site posts a funny or interesting news stories in order to avoid writing real, original content, chances are that they stole it from Fark. Updated about a bazillion times a day, Fark is the only site that I read on a regular basis and actually I'm a little surprised that it hasn't gotten me fired yet. Fark can be annoyingly cliquey at times, and the comments section is overrun with either extreme liberals or tinfoil hat wearing conservatives, but don't let that scare you off from reading what is currently the most interesting website on the Internet. 1) All-Star Gus Ball What do you get when you cross an autistic thirteen year old, basketball and a bunch of guys named Gus? Oh, only THE GREATEST WEBSITE OF ALL-TIME. All-Star Gus Ball is a fantasy sports league and believe you me, the term "fantasy sports league" has never been more appropriate. All-Star Gus Ball teams are made up entirely of men (and in one very special case, a book) named Gus. The problem is, however, that the organizer of All-Star Gus Ball doesn't actually know anyone named Gus, so his only option is to use pictures of Gus' that he finds on the Internet. The All-Star Gus Ball league consists of four teams though no games have actually been played. But don't let that stop you from reading the bios of some of your favorite players, like Gus Guerrero of The Super Pray-ers: "Gus guerrero is the team captain for the super pray-ers and also the point guard. he is very handsome and has kissed lots of girls. once he even had two dates on the same night and got in a lot of trouble. he is attractive." So why does thirteen year old Ted Birch have such an obsession with men named Gus? Why, a special relationship with the school janitor, of course. I'll let Ted tell the story: "i did once know a person named gus he was the janitor at my school when i was in californa. he was my only friend at the school and he taught me how to play basketball on the weekends. people said we were boyfriends and made fun and he was fired. it is true he tried to kiss me one night but i said "no. that is not the lords way, Gus." i really said ithe was sorry and we talked and cried. he was fired later and i mised him. i named a dog after him (the dog's name was Gus) but my dad made me leave it in california. all of it is true! i could not believe he made me do it! the dog was all i had to remember of my first friend Gus except for a jacket he gave me that says "Gus" on the front. there was a toothbrush and a shaving razor in a pocket and a small pocket bible (only the new testament) in the other. there is a piece of duck tape on a hole and he wrote his initials on the size tag so it says "G.S. (i dont know what the s is!!!?) l (l for large and it fits great!))" While chances are that All-Star Gus Ball is total bullshit, I'm much like a child that fiercely holds onto the idea of Santa Claus. I'm not about to let anything stand in my way of enjoying what is arguably the most genius website ever created. |
| 11/11/01 | Reverend |
I know. This is a day late. I'm a real dickhead.  Please note that I do not link to any of Bottom 5 sites in this update. They're already linked once and to be quite honest, I would feel bad subjecting you all to the unholy pain these sites can cause. I would also feel bad sending them more hits. Bottom 5 5) Punogre If there was ever an E/N site that personified "insipid", it's Punogre. It is probably the blandest, most unremarkable site on the face of the Earth, full of clinically boring writers and "bits" that are far beyond stupid. "But Reverend," you may say, "there's literally an endless supply of boring, unremarkable sites on the Internet! Why pick on this one in particular?" Well, let me tell you: A little while back, Punogre, like many sites before it, very blatantly stole my design (without asking me, of course, since that's what usually constitutes stealing). To make matters worse, I had people e-mailing me telling me that I stole it from him. So, I e-mailed Ogre (or at least I think I e-mailed him, I could have very well left a comment in one of his articles or something) and I bitched him out. He responded by posting some inane, barely-literate article in which he not only tried to insult me but completely avoided taking any responsibility for his actions. And for that, there will always be a special place in the Bottom 5 for the steaming pile of shit that is Punogre. 4) Charismama "Charisma" is easily the most shameless and egotistical of the camgirls and her website is certainly one of the most painful. I'm sure many of you may argue that a site like Nay's is infinitely more torturous, but you can look at a site like Mija.nu and laugh, while Charisma's site makes you want to eat a paint chip sandwich. So self-important, so serious.. so fucking bad. Hey, let's check out Charisma's update for November 6th, 2001: "I am such a bum. I go to class, come back home, and change into pajamas. It's too cold to leave my room. And now for a public service announcement: 'Tis the season to get pulled over for speeding. Keep your eyes peeled." Oh, I will, because that was ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING. You know, as intruiging as that update was, I can't help but wonder about the really important shit like "How was Charisma's weekend?", "What did Charisma do this weekend?" and "What's the quickest, most painless way to kill myself?" Thankfully, Charisma's got, well, most of the bases covered: "So, my weekend was fine. I ran into an absurd amount of crazy/scary people this weekend. It all began on my bus ride home, probably climaxed around saturday, and came to a close with that weird guy on my way to a shopping center. Please, if you're a crazy old guy, don't tap on windows while people are at stop signs. I'm probably not going to give you a ride to wherever it is you want to go, considering the fact that I am a young female alone. Hello to the triple vulnerableness." STUPENDOUS. Hey! Crazy old guys take note! Please stop asking Charisma for rides when you see her! Shower her with gifts instead! Speaking of which, the average donation collected by Amazon.com following the September 11th attacks for the American Red Cross was $32.00. The average price of an item on Charisma's Amazon.com wishlist is $72.06. I'm just sayin' is all. 3) Chickenlegs If you stuffed a handful of the most obnoxious, mentally retarded camgirls you could find into a Ford Focus and pushed them off of a cliff, the resulting mess would read something like Chickenlegs, only not nearly as ugly. Or maybe it wouldn't. I guess there's only one way to find out, right? If it were physically possible to kick a website in the throat, Chickenlegs would be first on my list. 2) Daign From my 08/14/01 update: "One last word on the camgirl situation (for now at least) before I tuck the soapbox back under my bed: When did that talentless piddledick Daign become the spokesperson for the anti camgirl 'movement'? Why does anybody pay attention to this guy? Honestly, how hard is it to pick on camgirls that are fat, ugly or old? It's shooting fish in a fucking barrel. Way to go, Daign! That's really groundbreaking shit the way you compared that fat camgirl to a manatee! Way to push the envelope, you stupid shit. If any of you have ever been to middle school, I'm sure you've heard this guy's material. Oh, and did you want to know why you never see Daign picking on the people that truly deserve it? The people like Chelle? It's because they're all his little pals. With that kind of rabid, bullshit hypocrisy, maybe he should be writing color-by-number anti-consumerism rants for Stile Project." So I'm lazy. Cry me a fucking river. 1) Validate This Hello! I am Amanda, the lesbian! I like the boobs because I am a lesbian! Do you like the boobs? Did you laugh at the joke that I just made? I am so funny sometimes! Please send me the pictures of the boobs and I will think that you are the sex! I made another funny joke! Did I mention that I am a lesbian and that is why I like the boobs? Here are some news stories that I stole from Fark! Here are a bunch of terrible links! They are links to sites run by underage girls that sent me pictures of their boobies! Chopsticks! With an ego matched only by the size of the hole I'd like to put in my head after reading her site, Amanda is easily one of the least funny, most uninteresting people currently running a shrine to their own bloated ass. Her extremely forced, bottom shelf humor is so dry and lame that she has to tell her braindead readers when she's making a joke. How many times can you steal some news stories from Fark or Obscure Store, post some awful Flash animations, prattle on about some unattractive camgirl, link the only sites you can think of that actually make yours look well-written and get away with it? Evidently, too many times. Validate This is the HTML equivalent of a Phil Collins record: It's bland and uninspired, almost to the point of being insulting, yet there is inexplicably still an audience for this bullshit. It's websites like Validate This that make me wish I were a Catholic. That way, I could rest a little easier at night knowing that when Amanda dies, she will be held accountable for the crap factory that she's unleashed upon an already weary World. |
| 11/13/01 | Reverend |
 No, it's not a REAL update, just another one of my bullshit personal plugs.. so pay attention! My band Five Stars for Failure has unleashed a new song onto the mp3.com-going masses. It's easily our best work to date and I implore you, nay, I demand you to go check it out. Hey, I don't ask for much. P.S. - There's finally a new This Week's Burning Question. |
| 11/22/01 | Reverend |
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Early last month, I submitted a 60 day vacancy notice to my landlord so that I could get myself out of this shithole apartment I've been living in for the past two years. I suppose that I finally had enough of my ceilings collapsing, my heat refusing to work properly, the bumbling, incompetent maintenance department, my obnoxious-as-fuck upstairs neighbors that keep me up at night and the white trash pseudo-metalheads that moved in two doors down and have been uglying up the joint ever since.Unfortunately, I have been unable to find a decent place in the town that I currently live, which was my ideal location. So, I've been sort of forced to move 20 minutes north. I'll be closer to work, but I'll be further from my family, my friends and my girlfriend. It's a shame because my new living arraignments really can't be beat. The place is nice, if not a little on the small side. It's cheap as all get out and it's in a wonderful little neighborhood. Within walking distance there is an incredible vintage guitar store and a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu academy. Oh yeah, and a bar. That'll probably come in handy as well. "As much as I do love hearing about apartments, I can't help but wonder what the hell does any of this has to do with anything." I'll tell you: in addition to being a little more than $200 a month cheaper than my current digs, my new place also comes with free basic cable. A sweet deal, but I've got a cable modem, and the landlord isn't too keen on adding anything to his cable bill. So, it's no more cable modem for me. No more fast, high-quality pornography or free music. This also means the end of the Mix Tape feature or video clips of me getting hurt. "Sure, that's a bit of a downer, but I'm an unappreciative fuck and I don't listen to the Mix Tape anyway. So, again: what's the deal?" It's all about timing. As I'm sure most of you have noticed, I've become rather "disillusioned" with my website as of late. It's hard not to, especially after you've struggled for almost two years to make it work. All of my attempts at creating a community have failed, my pleas for feedback have been largely ignored and every time I've ever tried something new, it's been met with complete and total indifference. All the while, shitstains like Punogre and Validate This thrive. And I don't just mean traffic-wise, because I've honestly never given a shit about traffic, but people respond to them. Granted, they may be nothing more than autistic chimps, but they're autistic chimps who interact and I can't even get the autistic chimps. Nobody cares anymore, so why the hell should I? I will be moving into my new place the weekend of December 1st. I'm going to take some time off and rethink my strategy while I get settled. Whatever I decide to do, I will be back soon. Thank you. P.S. - I sincerely hope that everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. Except for all of the people on my Bottom Five. I hope they're hunted for sport. |
| 11/25/01 | | Reverend |
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Are you under the age of 15? Do you live in Florida? Would you like the opportunity to drive a car as long as there is a parent or legal guardian present? If so, try the Rebel Alliance Instant Phony Learner's Permit Kit! It has been brought to my attention that every other E/N site on the goddamned planet has posted Nay's learner's permit. That makes me feel pretty gay, especially since I have always been able to pride myself in the fact that I don't have a damn thing in common with those douche bags. I very briefly joined their ranks and that is why I have decided to remove the picture. I'm sure you'll get over it. Simply print and enjoy your new found freedom! Sort of! |
| 11/26/01 | Reverend |
| For the four of you that care, I took a short break from packing in order to finish up the latest edition of the Mix Tape. |
| 11/27/01 | Reverend |
 Keith Briand aka Web Pig Lenape High School Class of '89 Goal: Graduating college with good grades Liked most: Glenda Hall, little girls Liked least: Mondays |
| 11/28/01 | Reverend | ||
I was afraid that this would happen. Again, I've taken for granted the fact that my site does not cater to any particular group of people. The majority of my visitors don't know who Web Pig is and I would suspect that a great deal of them don't really care. Well, those people may want to find something else to do, because I've got a little story to tell: It was only a couple of months ago when I got my greasy little mitts on a yearbook photo. But this was no ordinary yearbook photo, mind you. This one belonged to Nay: camgirl extraordinaire!  Truth be told, I never really paid much attention to the fact that Nay's last name, which at that point was still largely unknown, was fully visible in the scan. All I could see was Nay's head, which I thought was incredibly funny for some strange reason. So, I posted it. The resulting mess was far more entertaining than I could have ever imagined. I received a ton of hate mail, a couple of threats (of a physical nature) and I even tangled with Nay's mom. I also managed to make a new friend in one Keith Briand, or Web Pig, as he took to calling himself. "Web Pig? He calls himself 'Web Pig'? That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. That's like calling yourself 'Captain Internet' or 'alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.jennicam'." Hey, if the fact that he chose what may very well be the most mentally retarded handle on the planet was the most pathetic aspect of this guy's life, he'd be pretty fucking lucky. Anyway, Web Pig was pretty pissed that I had posted a picture of Nay that included her last name, probably even more so than Nay's own mother. Working under the guise of a man who was deeply concerned with Nay's safety, Keith even took time out of his busy schedule of living with his mother to try and convince me to take the picture down. If you're interested, you can find the full conversation here. "Why in the world would a grown man care so much about a fifteen year old girl he doesn't even know?" Well, I had my suspicions, but as things progressed, this douche bag's true intentions became perfectly clear. Keith Briand is a thirty year old man who is such a complete and total social failure that he's taken to desperately clinging onto the nuts of the "E/N" (or "everything/nothing"; a website genre so incredibly vague that it'll make your head spin) scene. He's done this by heading up an "internet gossip" site. Yes, I said "an internet gossip site" and yes, it's as completely pathetic and stupid as you think it is, if not more. Keith has used his site as a way to shamelessly kiss the pasty white ass of every "E/N" pseudo-celebrity he could think of, including a number of the more well-known camgirls, many of whom are under the age of 18. Now, as creepy as Keith's relationship with these girls was/is (for a while, he was linking a sixteen year old girl because, as he put it, "she's got great boobs"), it gets even creepier, if you can believe that. It just so happens that Keith has been using his position as a webmaster of a high-traffic site to get a little closer to these girls. Disturbingly close. Take a look:   (I voluntarily censored those pictures because A) they're really fucking gross and B) there's already way too much cock on this site to begin with) Those were taken from a Netmeeting session Keith initiated with a 16 year old girl. I won't go into details because I'd like to eat again at some point, but you can read more about the whole disgusting situation here. What amazed me most about the whole situation, besides the idea of someone being so incredibly lazy that they have to blow their load on their own shirt, was the fact that before before any of this shit about Keith was made public, he theorized the reason I posted Nay's picture was because I had some sort of secret obsession with her. I guess I'm just not as subtle as a guy who jerks off in front of little girls. Of course, the irony of me posting his yearbook photo is pretty hilarious (at least to me it is), but it's sort of lost when I have to explain it so in depth. Oh well. It's still pretty goddamned funny. |